


Wearing Yourself Thin

by Callaeidae3



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [15]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhaustion, Fainting, Gen, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Sleep Deprivation, Starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 07:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19102141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callaeidae3/pseuds/Callaeidae3
Summary: BTHB: StarvationKeith neglects to eat and sleep during his searching for Shiro. The team go to some extra measures to help him get through the struggle.





	Wearing Yourself Thin

**Author's Note:**

> Set pre-S3E1, after they discover Shiro isn't in Black and before we first see Keith out in Red searching for Shiro.
> 
> (!) TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorders. What Keith deals with is stress-induced lack of appetite, not an eating disorder as such (hence why I didn't tag it), but some of the behaviours and recovery could be potentially triggering if you're fighting an ongoing battle with an eating disorder.
> 
> Requested by @aulra

He’s cold. Colder than he should be, he knows that much. With a huff of irritation, Keith pushes himself into a stumble and then into a jog. Maybe by the time he reaches Red’s hangar he’ll have warmed up again.

 _Stop,_ his body protests. Keith ignores it. He can’t afford to stop. Not until he’s found Shiro.

 _But how long can you go on like this?_ asks the rational part of his brain.

_As long as it takes._

His knee buckles and he sidles into the hallway wall. The room blurs and tilts a little. He takes a moment to screw his eyes shut and lean his forehead against the wall while he waits for the dizziness to pass.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows his current condition is his own fault. He hasn’t slept more than five hours in the three days since Shiro disappeared from his Lion, and he hasn’t eaten since before they all launched themselves into the battle against Galra HQ. Logically, Keith knows he should eat, he knows he should sleep, but he can’t find the stomach or the peace of mind necessary to do so.

_I’ll feel better after I find Shiro. Shiro’s probably feeling ten times worse than I am right now, wherever he is. I need to get him first._

He thinks hears Red growling at him.

_Just…gotta make it to Red…and then we’ll go fly and search for Shiro again…and then…then…_

Keith’s unable to finish that thought.

He takes a deep breath in and out, grits his teeth and pushes himself off the wall – or at least tries to. His body won’t cooperate. Though he mentally commands his arms to work, he can’t manage to get himself to move away from the wall.

“Great,” he mumbles to no one. “I’m stuck again.”

It takes several minutes of standing there trying to get his body to react to what his mind is telling him before he’s able to do it. The victory, however, is short lived.

The blood rushes from his face and the hungry pit in his stomach tightens. Keith’s vision blurs beyond any sense of clarity and he’s falling before he can steady himself. He staggers forward and collapses into the wall.

 

* * *

 

 

He’s not sure how long he lies there crumpled on the floor like that. His paladin armour digs into the exposed areas of flight suit, the worst of which is his elbow pressed into his stomach. It just makes the hunger feel worse.

It’s only when the pressure is removed and he feels himself being uncurled that he realises there’s someone else with him.

“What the hell have you been doing to yourself, Keith?”

Keith tries to make sense of the syllables but the words don’t process in his brain. He can’t even pinpoint who’s voice it is, only that it’s familiar, close and concerned.

“You’re making us worry a ton, you know,” says the voice. It’s a kind one. “You gotta take better care of yourself.”

A hand on his forehead. Keith groans. The hand is so warm.

“Hey, you with me?”

Not enough energy to answer. Speaking takes too much effort and it makes him dizzy just thinking about trying. The best acknowledgement he can give is in trying to open his eyes, but though he tries he fails at even that.

“Keith?”

“Hunk! There you are! Pidge and I’ve been…woah, what happened. Is that Keith?”

“He didn’t take his share of dinner again that I left out for him. Thought I’d take it to his room instead, that way he doesn’t have to worry about walking all the way to the kitchen, y’know. I…I think we should’ve checked on him sooner.”

Footsteps draw closer. They’re careful, somewhat disbelieving. Keith furrows his eyebrows and mentally wishes they would go away. He can feel their eyes on him, Hunk and…Hunk….Lance…and he doesn’t like the being stared at.

“Think we should take him to the medbay?” Lance asks.

Hunk considers in silence a moment. “Knowing Keith, he’d feel a lot more comfortable in his room.”

“Yeah,” says another voice, “but I think we’ve got some hypoglycaemia, sleep deprivation, fatigue, probable dehydration et cetera on our hands here. He needs the medbay. Sorry, Keith.”

Keith’s mind is too foggy to really follow the conversation. All he knows is that he feels horribly sick and faint, and that he can’t muster the strength to get up on his own. He’s already resolved to just let himself lie here until he’s rested enough to move again.

_You guys don’t need to worry ‘bout me. Don’t bother with me. Jus’… leave me…be fine…._

An arm slips beneath the floor and his back and lifts his head and shoulders off the ground. Keith involuntarily slumps into the person’s warmth. Another hand besides the one holding him gathers his knees closer together and pulls them up towards his chest.

“Want us to run down and get a stretcher?”

Strong arms lift him up. Hunk grunts. “It’s alright. I’ve got him.”

Keith both remembers being carried and doesn’t. He remembers the pressure on his back, chest, ribs and knees from where Hunk’s arms kept him securely hoisted up in the air, remembers the jolt of every footstep and the core-deep shame that it has come to this, and yet it all feels like some strange fever dream.

He’s vaguely aware of Allura entering the room at one point, but he can’t recall how long it’s been since he was laid on the medbay bed to begin with. He remembers careful hands taking his armour off for him, but since he hadn’t put up a fight or felt any real need to resist it, it doesn’t feel like it really happened. Even when Coran inserts an Altean equivelant of an IV line into the back of his hand, it all feels like it’s happening distantly and Keith’s mind fails to connect the sensations to a sense of reality.

The sedatives Coran gives him doesn’t allow him much chance to wonder about it.

 

* * *

 

 

Keith still feels sick when he wakes, though admittedly marginally better. He doesn’t feel quite so faint. He’s not dizzy, although that could be because he’s lying down. His exhaustion and reluctance to move is enough for him to stop him from testing that theory.

A hand massages his shoulder. Keith forces his eyes open and has to blink a few times before his vision sharpens. The face watching his expression closely smiles softly. For a heart aching moment Keith mistakes the man for Shiro. He curses himself for the error.

“Hey, C’r’n,” he murmurs.

Coran pats his shoulder and resumes the gentle massaging. “Been running yourself a wee bit thin, haven’t you?”

Keith struggles to keep his eyes open. “Hnnngh.”

“I know you’re worried about Shiro. We all are. But you – ”

“Y’re not. You think….think he’s gone s-so we gotta….move on. That’s what they always say. ‘Just move on, Keith. He ain’t comin’ back.’”

“I, uh… I’m not sure I understand. Who do you mean by ‘they’?”

Giving up the effort of keeping his eyes open, Keith exhales sharply. “Ev’ryone. Heard you ‘n ‘Llura talkin’ ‘bout finding a new…new Black Lion…hnnngh, I mean pa-paladin. Y’think he ain’t comin’ back.”

“Now there, Keith, no one said anything about believing Shiro’s not coming back.”

“I’m not stupid.”

Coran doesn’t try to argue.

If it weren’t for the drugs in his system keeping him sedated and resting, Keith would’ve been tearing out of the room this instant. No one gets it. He’d thought maybe Pidge would’ve, after Kerberos took the family she’s still looking for from here, but…

Keith can’t stop the hot tears escaping his eyes. He wants nothing more than to be left alone to keep searching. He’s already lost so much. Everyone he ever grows close to vanishes from his life and he’s already lost Shiro once before.

Keith’s not sure he can handle the weight of that crushing grief all over again.

“We’re not going to stop you from taking Red out there to search for him,” Coran murmurs. “But if you’re going to keep bringing harm to yourself while doing it, then we might have to. The sedatives I gave you earlier should’ve completely worn off by now. What you’re feeling now is your own exhaustion. Listen to your body, Keith. Please.”

It’s hard. Extremely hard. A day passes and everyone lets him spend it just sleeping, but the following day Hunk brings him soup and Keith finds he can’t bring himself to eat it for lack of appetite and lack of strength. In the end he swallows his pride and lets Hunk spoon feed it to him.

The day after that, Coran releases him from the medbay on the condition he rest. Once he’s out of the flight suit and back into casual clothes, resting is easier. Three times that day Hunk wakes him, appearing in the light of the open doorway with another fresh bowl of soup in his hands. Each time Keith lets out a grumble and regrets it, but Hunk doesn’t seem to take offense. By the third soup, Keith’s able to lift the spoon and get through the meal on his own.

Lance drags him out of bed and to the showers that evening. Keith forgets to bring a change of clothes, the realisation coming in a wave of defeat. Lance fetches them for him and leaves them on the bathroom vanity for him. It’s close to forty minutes of standing beneath the hot water doing nothing before Keith pulls himself out of his blank mindscape for long enough to remember to wash himself. The whole procedure takes more effort than it should.

Six days into Keith’s recovering, a fleet of Galra ships start heading their way as though asking for a fight. Allura wormholes the Castle into quieter territory. When Keith learns about this from Pidge, who intercepts him in his paladin armour on the way to the bridge, Keith can’t help but feel utterly frustrated.

“I can handle a small fight!” Keith snaps.

Pidge spins him around and plants both hands on his back. “I’m sure you can.”

Before he can run off to Red’s hangar and lose himself in another downward spiral of health, Pidge starts pushing him back towards his room. Keith stalks off by himself, movements still somewhat sluggish. Pidge accompanies him all the way to his room and waits outside just in case.

True to her obvious predictions, Keith decides that he might as well go search this part of the galaxy while he still has his armour on. Pidge stops him the moment he walks out the door.

“Let go of me, Pidge.”

She shakes her head, opting to wrap her arms around his waist even tighter.

“ _Pidge._ ”

“What would Shiro say!? Have you ever thought of that?”

Keith stills, eyes wide and nostrils flaring.

“I-I know you’re desperate to have him back. I know, okay? I know.” Pidge’s voice wavers. “I want my family back more than anything. You know I was willing to leave Voltron so I could go find them. Even after Sendak attacked us that time, I won’t lie…I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about ditching to go find them, even if it’s just in a whole bunch of feverish searches like what you’ve been doing.”

“Then if you understand, let me go.”

“I’m not adding you to that list.”

Keith swallows hard. The frustration is barely contained but forces himself not to lash out. Maybe she’ll let him go if he stays still and listens to what she has to say first.

“I’ve already got two – three, including Shiro – missing family members lost out there in space. Don’t be another, please.”

Unable to process the fact that Pidge considers him to be family, Keith argues instead, “I could bring that list back down to two.”

“Or you could make it four.”

“Won’t know if we give up now.”

“Won’t know if you die because of your stubborn refusal to realise that taking care of yourself does not equal giving up.”

Pain stabs Keith in the gut, only it’s not hunger this time. It makes his throat constrict painfully, makes his eyes burn and his chest ache. He’s shaking.

“You won’t be able to continue searching for Shiro if you burn yourself out first. That means finding a way to eat even when you don’t want to. It means forcing yourself to allow yourself adequate time to rest. You don’t have to stop searching for his whereabouts, but you’ve got to make sure you don’t burn through all your energy at once while doing it. These kinds of searches aren’t a hundred metre sprints; they’re marathons. Treat your energy levels like you’re running one.”

There’s no fight left in him. Keith grits his teeth against the fresh wave of tears, and when Pidge’s hug no longer seems so restraining, drops his head to hide his face. He presses his forehead against Pidge’s shoulder. His own shoulders tremble.

“Y-you got all that fr-from Shir’..Shiro, didn’t you?”

Pidge tenses. “How’d you know that?”

“Sounds like s-somethin’ he’d say.”

“Well, now you know: I’ve been in the same boat as you. I mean, not quite as bad as exhausting myself to the point of collapsing in the middle of a hallway, but never mind that. What matters is that I know how important rest is and how much you’re needing it right now. So don’t be stupid, think of what Shiro would say and go frickin’ rest already. Allura’s going to try keep us out of enemy contact for a few days, so you can go catch some z’s without having to worry about needing to launch yourself into a battle the moment you shut your eyes.”

Keith nods against Pidge’s shoulder. He instinctively wants to protest, but his body is weary, as is his mind. The entire group’s been working to help him, too, and he doesn’t want to undo their efforts.

“I’ll take over Shiro-whereabouts scanning in the meantime,” Pidge says. “So you don’t need to worry about that either. So go rest. No Red Lion, no training deck. Just get some decent sleep and enjoy Hunk’s soup while we’ve still got the resources on board the Castle of Lions to make it.”

Keith means to murmur a thanks, but it comes out as more of a sort of whimper. He’s embarrassed by it but too tired to try use his voice again. Pidge doesn’t comment. Instead, she simply withdraws from the hug and steers him back into his bedroom. She gives him a look before she leaves that says she’ll be standing guard outside still, just in case he ignores everything she just said.

But this time Keith doesn’t let his stubbornness take over. He sheds the armour and strips out of his flight suit, pulls on his casual clothes and then crashes. Sleep doesn’t come for a while, but eventually his exhaustion is enough to pull him back into it.

 _I’m sorry, Shiro,_ he thinks as he drifts off. _I know I should be out there looking for you right now. I know you’re probably waiting for me, for someone, to come find you…_

The Red Lion hums. A presence Keith doesn’t quite recognise as Black’s does too. _Rest first,_ they say.

And an echo, sounding in the timbre of Shiro’s voice. _Then come find me._

 

 


End file.
